So you keep the hope you get your day, yeah

so my mom has lung cancer. Probably. They found a mass today. We go to a pulmonologist sometime this week.

I keep thinking it’s a mistake, and it’ll be fine.

I wanted to ask her if she had a good life insurance policy. I think that means i’m a terrible person. Really I was thinking about the house and my dad though.

I keep thinking about everyone I know who has lost their Mom. I keep thinking I didn’t give them enough sympathy. empathy. compassion.

What will I do without my mom? Will she ever meet any of her grandkids? Will she be there when I get married, if I ever do? Will she be teaching still next year? I moved home worried about getting her tested for Alzheimer’s. Now it seems as if this will take her so much sooner.

I’m not ready, I’m not prepared. Can you ever prepare to lose your mom? She’s the person on earth who knows the most about me.

It seems fitting that today was rainy. Although it adds to the surreal nature of this. My dad is in Florida, and I’m sure he feels terrible. Like it’s his fault. And in all likelihood, it is. I hope to God he never smokes another cigarette.

I kinda feel like David Nail-minus the whole sunshine thing.

Some are comin’ home
Some are leavin’ town
While my world’s crashin’ down
On a Sunday
In the sunshine
At a red light

Impossible means nothing to me

She sat in the chair on the screened in porch. Stared out into the landscape. But she didn’t see a thing that was there. She lost herself in thoughts of long ago. Somehow one thought lead to another that lead to another, and she was full circle.

But you’ll never know her. You won’t know what she finds funny. You won’t know what she thinks is sad. You’ll never know the trials she’s overcome. You’ll never know the demons still chasing her down. You’ll never know a thought that’s in her head.

She looks at you with a bland stare. She’ll never take you past her superficial. You’ll tell her about you, but you won’t know about her. Not the real her. She talks without saying anything meaningful, not even knowing it.

You see, somewhere in time long ago, someone took something from her. Don’t ask what it is, she wouldn’t even know. But she’ll never connect with you. She’s locked away in her own world. Deep on the inside, but locked up tight on the outside.

There’s a desperation in her soul, that she can’t seem to show. Always wanting to say more. Wanting to scream. Wanting to be real. But always, she’s quiet. She learned to keep herself back. Now she doesn’t even know how to find her real self. Wishes she could explode into a million tiny pieces, and get put back together right.

Part of her is missing. A jigsaw puzzle never to be finished. Jam the pieces together to make them fit. She’s drowning. She’s screaming. Bound at ever limb by her shackles of fear. Sealed with lies through so many tears. Lost from within, she’s pursuing the end.

Always confusing, the thoughts in her head. She can’t trust herself anymore. She’s a jumbled up mess. Caught in a web of numbness. Will she ever feel again?

I’m still in the dark, lighting candles

Again, I’m here. Again, I don’t know where to start. I’m typing without editing. I’m just putting it out there, Thank God no one knows I have this. I’m glad I kept this one quiet. I saw Kevin on Sunday. I was shocked to say the least. Seeing him, and my reaction to him. I literally felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to get up and leave, but I didn’t know if I could. I cried through the whole service. Him for being scum. Me, for feeling like a faiilure. I realized there is nothing good about me. I’m scum too. I wished I’d never been born. I wished I could start all over. I wished I was good. I wished I wasn’t bad. I wished I wasn’t so awkward. I wished God would talk to me, show me something. I don’t doubt God is there. I know He is and I love Him in the most pathetic way. But He is just like every man in my life. Has no interest in me, no feeling for me. Again, I’m pathetically pining and begging for love.

I don’t even know what I feel anymore. Sunday I cried so much. It was like the floodgates opened. I didn’t go to youth group, didn’t go to mark and rhonda’s. I didn’t answer mark’s text. I still haven’t talked to them. I haven’t really talked to anybody. I go to work, and I’m pretty much fine, except when no one’s in the room. And then I cry. I’ve been coming straight home and laying in my bed till I’m tired enough to sleep. I’m usually crying off and on. Why am I such a failure? Why am I such a loser? Why can’t I be normal? I truly hate myself. Part of me is so ready to pack up and move home. Admit defeat. It’s all so overwhelming. I mostly wish that a car would come across the median and kill me. When I’m driving, I always wonder if that’s the car that will end it for me.

I just want to crawl out of my skin.

Late at night I lie awake, think I should go
Catch a train to stranger towns
Where no one knows me

I’ll learn to dance for you like an honest clumsy clown

An Honest Clumsy Clown.

That’s the best description I’ve ever heard. It’s me.

I went a little too far yesterday. Said a little too much. Not enough to give me away, but enough that he should know. I could blame it on the pain killers, but the truth is, I’ve been wanting to put it out there for way too long.

So it’s out there…sorta. Enough that he could have picked up the ball. All I can picture is me being this pathetic being, wanting somone so much who so obviously wants nothing to do with me. But that’s always been the case. I’ve always had a crush on someone, or loved someone, who didn’t feel a thing for me. There’s really no other word to describe me other than pathetic.

For over a year now, I have been desperatly hoping that he would realize his love for me and we would live happily ever after. I think he is a reason I’ve stayed in clarksville as long as I have. I’ve been holding out hope. But I need to be all in for God. So I’m praying He shows me where he wants me to go, cause I think I can finally let go of clarksville. As hard as it is to say, I think I can finally let go of my dream as wife and mother. Not without tears, but letting go is letting go, no matter how hard. The thought of never having a family of my own is pretty devastating, but my God is bigger than that. The cross is bigger than that.

So I’m ready to step out into a new day…the day God has planned.

I think I give him too much credit

I thought he would have called or texted. Maybe  I give him too much credit and I’m putting all my eggs in his basket. Maybe I should move home….

I can see for Miles

My night is going to be so crazy, I have to pack for the weekend, stop by and see the kids, coffee with my high school girls, and then I’m working all night. Surgery is Friday, I’m a bit nervous.

Okay, for the good news. I’m going to lose weight. For real. I have a plan, and I have support. Hopefully once I heal from the surgery, I will be able to exercise. It seems like it’s been so long since I’ve felt well.

I have 127 days until Matt and Julie’s wedding. That’s 18 weeks.  That’s 18 weigh ins. That’s 2 pounds a week. That’s 36 pounds. That’s amazing! I know I can do it!

back to work now

And she can’t feel the things she knows…

I’ve been having writers block.

More than writers block…i’ve been having heart block.

I don’t know how to fix it. I talk to God, but mostly I’m just telling Him how far away I feel. Mostly, I’m telling Him I don’t know what to say. I’ve been trying to focus on listening to Him. It’s pretty much the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to do. I don’t hear Him, and next thing I know I’m thinking about something completely random and I have no idea how I got to that point.

So I decided in the shower I would start writing again. Maybe it can awaken my soul, my brain, my heart…maybe it’ll awaken something in me that will allow me to feel God again. That will allow me to know God.

I sometimes wonder why I get tattoos. I mean, I love them mostly. I enjoy them. And then I see someone out and they look so trashy with them. Then I think, do I look that trashy? Not that you can see mine unless I want you to.  They are all covered by shorts and and a t shirt. Except for my foot tattoo. I think that mine all have meaning, most of them are religious in nature. Okay, so three of them are. 3 of them are for people I love dearly. And one of them will forever represent one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I guess all I’m saying is that I hope I don’t ever come to regret them.

There’s no clear direction for this blog. It’s just a start to hopefully unravel my screwedupness. Hopefully I’ll be able to find out why I can’t get to close God. Hopefully I can find out why I run from emotion. Even when I try to embrace it, it escapes me. I felt so lonely sitting on the couch this afternoon. I knew I was going to cry so i got in the shower. And nothing, no real tears. Nothing. It’s how it always is. I can cry for anything that is sad, extreme homemaker kills me every week. I can cry when I feel someone else’s painful emotions. When it comes to my emotions, I’m like a stone wall. I wonder if this is normal?

On a side note, even though I am perpetually messed up, I’m seriously comtemplating sending Mikey an email or a text. I really felt the connection on Sunday, I could tell when we laughed we were looking at each other and not anyone else. I hope I’m not wrong, it would be so dreadfully awkward if I said something and he didn’t want to date. I would lose his friendship, and probably change my friendship with Mark and Rhonda. I certainly wouldn’t want to go over and hang out anymore. Would I even feel comfortable at youth group? But I keep thinking, am I wussing out from stepping into God’s plan? Or am I saving myself from humiliation and heartbreak? I put on my calendar almost a year ago to tell him on my birthday that I have feelings for him. Well, my birthday is just a few weeks away. My stomach is in knots just thinking about it. It could be so right, or it could be so wrong. I guess it’s like anything in life. I guess I should stop analyzing and just do.

She feels lost in her own life
Treading water just to keep from slipping under
And she wonders if she’s where she’s supposed to be
Tired of trying to do it right
Her dreams are just too far away to see how steps she’s making might be taking her to who she’ll be

Is it true that You can find me anytime?

Cause I’m feeling like I’m there.

So I’ve come to a few decisions lately, which is a miracle to be sure. Nothing life altering, and sure as heck no decisions that seem to be showing me His plan.
But I’ve given up on the house idea. My credit stinks. Banks aren’t lending. And there is a serious lack of people my age around here that lead a similar lifestyle, so no roommate potentials.  Okay, that’s the only decision I have for sure made. Even though it breaks my heart. Maybe one day my desire for a place of my own will be realized.

I am also throwing around the idea of quitting premier. I have a night job at an eye doctor’s, and I’m hoping like crazy I can survive on that salary, even though it’s part time. The reason for this is, I want to be able to take summer classes so I can get into the nursing program spring 2010 instead of fall 2010. However, I’m unsure if quitting premier is the right thing to do. Maybe I should just suck up another semester.

Part of me wants to just move home. Back to good ole Powder Springs. Live with my parents and go to school. But the other half of my loves clarksville so much. I love Mark and Rhonda. And of course I can’t stop hoping that Mikey will get the hint. I love my church. I love the youth group. I even love Young Life, with all of the mixed emotions I have about it. I love being close to Nashville, even though I don’t make it down there very often.

There is a huge part of me who wants to get my LPN ASAP and join the army and let them pay for my RN.  I don’t know how to explain my desire to join the army. Sometimes something just feels like it is apart of you. I’m sure part of it is wrapped up in my life with Phil and what I wish it had been. But there’s a huge feeling of pride as well, I want to be independent and tough. On the flip side, I hate making decisions and the army would fix that for me as well.

So I don’t know. I do know that tomorrow I will get up, work a job from 8-5, then work another job from 5:30 to 9:30, and then I will come home, sleep and do the same thing the next day. And on saturday, I will get up even earlier, go to clinicals from 6:45 to 3, and then go to work. And the same on sunday. This isn’t any way to live. But how am I to live?

save us all, tell me life is beautiful

It’s here again. It didn’t even sneak up on me this time. I felt it coming like a big black train. I did what I was supposed. I found a counselor. I go to church. I pray, when I can muster up the courage. Last time, I just drowned it in sex, drugs, and alcohol. I don’t live that life anymore.  I can feel it sitting on my chest. I can tell by the way I can’t get out of bed. And how I can’t sleep even though I’m beyond exhausted. I can tell it by how many times a day I change my thoughts to some made up fantasy world so I don’t have to live in mine.

Yep, I’m depressed again. I’m so tired and naseous all the time. I’m often dizzy and have double vision. I cry at the drop of a hat and have cancelled all my weekend plans for the last month and spend all day in bed. And my God, I can’t stop eating. My world has never revolved around food the way it has these past few weeks. And trust me, the waistline is showing it. At least last time I was so messed up all the time I couldn’t eat and dropped so much weight the docs were telling me to gain weight.

I’ve got a wall around all the thoughts that are dragging me down, and even if I wanted to I couldn’t get over it. I can drag out some things, my relationship with my father is the newest issue my therapist is dragging out. I can’t believe how painful it is. I had no idea I had so much anger. Let’s not even get into my future. Am I supposed to stay at crappy Hopkinsville? Will I get into Austin Peay? Should I take the CNA course? Am I even supposed to be here in Clarksville, or am I supposed to move to GA? Will I ever be able to have a home of my own? Forget marriage and kids, I know that’s just too much to ask for, but I just want my own place. I want all my stuff to be one place. I want to be able to come home and cook my food in my dishes at the time I want to. I want to be able to turn on my tv and sit on my couch and watch what I want to.

I sometimes think I screwed up too badly in the past to have any success now. I  realize that this whole blog contains nothing but I, and that I come across as pretty selfish. I guess I am. Even all of my charity work is done for me. I truly love high school kids and I hope that I am helping them. But I wonder if it’s all just manipulation on my part. Am I doing it for the right reasons? Or am I just doing it for recognition? I honestly don’t know. I would like to think I’m doing it because I love God, but God and I are on a dry spell. I’m so hungry for him, but I can’t find him. I’m so empty and scared and lonely and frightened it’s not even funny.

I’m willing to live any life God wants me to live. I’m willing to follow His path and His plan, I just need him to give it to me! I’ll follow it to a T, no matter how hard it is. I just need to know that I’m on the right path. I’m so frusterated and I don’t understand why I feel so far and distant from him. I sometimes doubt if we have a relationship at all, it’s been so quiet on His end, and now, more and more on my end.

I’m just so tired of living, I’m so tired of always doing the responsible thing. I’m so ready to just give up and live in my parents house and do nothing with my life. It’s just too hard. I’m ready to fold, admit I’m a failure and just be done with it. I’m tired of everything being so hard, I can’t do it anymore. It hurts to much.

I just can’t make a sound

I never know how to start these. I’m in california. Carmel to be exact and it’s one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been. I walked down to the beach today and just sat. Maybe for about an hour. And I couldn’t feel any emotion. I’m looking at one of the most beautiful landscapes I’ve ever seen, sitting next to Pebble Beach Golf Club and I’m still frozen inside. I don’t want to be frozen, i want to feel. Anything. Even the pain. But I’m so anxious about my future and my life, that I’m paralyzed. I feel like there’s a thick callous over my heart and surrounding my feelings and I can sometimes feel the slightest twinge, but it’s all so far away and so faint. I really don’t ever feel anything at all.

I wonder, will life always be like this? Exanimate.