It’s 2:30 am. Again. Seems like all I do is stare the clock down during these dark hours. I never blink, and neither does he.

I’d like a break from me. A little vacation. Where I have no past. A vacation where I don’t have to remember every embarrassing moment of my life in vivid detail. Where I don’t have to remember every painful moment. Every stupid moment. every bittersweet moment. It’s like a never ending blooper real of my life…only there’s multiple reels. Tonight, my mind is stuck on the “Endings” reel. And it’s playing in sllooooow motion.

I can’t help but wonder why I’ve never ended anything well in my life. I know we’re not supposed to have regrets. That’s the PC thing to say. That’s the christian thing to say. Well, I’m pretty sure I have regrets. I’m pretty sure that’s the feeling keeping me up at night…every night.

The scenes…from every ending to every job, friendship, relationship…run through my head in a never ending reel. How I wish they’d stop. I’ve done such a good job at shoving it all away for so long that there’s no place left to shove them. And believe me I’m trying. That’s the problem with being with yourself all the time.

All those days are gone
So she falls asleep every night just before dawn
And closes her eyes
As the sun starts to rise
‘Cause all those days are gone

Sometimes she pretends
The sun it has finally begun to come to an end
Luminous nights
Of lonely streetlights
Sometimes she likes to pretend

She said that everybody wants to be here
Here where there’s no one else around

Pull down all the shades
And try to forget how all of the memories fade
Memories that bled
A curtain bright red
Time to pull down the shades

She said that everybody wants to be here
Here where there’s no one else around

All those days are gone

As far as the stars are away from the midday sun
Memories so bright
In a spinning twilight
But all those days are gone

She said everybody wants to be here
Here where there’s no one else around

I’ll trade the moon for the sun
But this feeling for no one
She said that everybody wants to be here

All those days are gone
As far as the stars are away from the midday sun

Jump Little Children

here where there’s no one else around…

I laid in bed last night and I stared at Mr. Bear. I’ve had him ever since I can remember. I have a picture of me when I’m 3. I’m sitting on the fireplace holding Mr. Bear. He’s bigger than I am. I named him Mr. Bear because that’s what Stephanie named her bear on Full House. Before I watched that episode where she lost him, aka Michelle stole him and hid him in the piano bench…I never really thought about Mr. Bear. I hadn’t even considered naming the damn thing. But then I realized every little girl was supposed to be attached to something.

Mr. Bear was really something back in the day, he had a ski hat and bow tie around his neck. And he was soft…so soft. Through the years, after making myself become attatched to him, I cut his hat off. Then the silky bowtie. Eventually I started giving him hair cuts. Once, he was almost completely decapitated. Luckily my grandmother was in town. She convinced me that washing him before we sewed him up was a good idea. He was never the same again.

I realized last night he looks pretty pathetic. I remember chewing on his velvet ears when I was a kid. Not because it was comforting, but because I felt like he needed to look used. Like I loved him. In fact, that’s why half the things that happened to him, happened. I was trying to portray an image that he was loved, that he was important to me.

Funny thing is, now I kinda like the guy. I have him sitting on my make-shift window seat. I think maybe it’s the same with my ex-husband. I think maybe this is my fatal flaw.

Relationships don’t interest me that much. I don’t do emotions and I don’t like being vulnerable. Which is probably why Phil is the only guy I ever truly dated. He just kept coming back for more, till he was apart of my life and we were dating. I know I loved him. Not in a healthy way, not in a normal way. In a pretty messed up way actually. I didn’t love him when I told him I loved him. I know this, because when I finally met him, after we said I love you, I was repulsed by the hairy birthmark on the back of his arm. Now, it’s one of the things I miss about him.

Somewhere along the way, I did fall in love with him. Kinda the same way I learned to love Mr. Bear. Because that’s what was expected. People expected me to date. To want to find “the one.” Phil expected me to love him too. And I have this thing about living up to people’s expectations…I always do it. Even the bad expectations I always manage to live up to.

So now that I’ve escaped from a life with Phil, and an escape is the only thing one could call it, I want nothing to do with relationships. I mean, I manage a few friendships here and there, but nothing for real. I don’t have any friendships I’m actually emotionally invested in. And frankly, I don’t want one. And I certainly don’t want a romantic relationship.

Just the thought of it makes me tired. It seems so pointless. And I know that to have a real relationship, you have to be able to let your guard down. I don’t even know how to begin. Seems like I’ve had an emotional guard up for as long as I’ve had Mr. Bear. Last night I couldn’t help but think how hard it is to trust someone. And in the end, they hurt you no matter what.

I don’t think I’m going to tell people I’m waiting on “the one” anymore, because frankly, that’s a bald faced lie. I don’t believe there is “the one” out there for me, and I don’t want there to be. That takes more of me than I will ever be willing to give. For God’s sake I can’t even sit through a romantic comedy without freaking out every time a remotely mushy scene comes on. I can’t stand the awkwardness of or the emotions that they are supposed to illicit. I don’t know how to explain it…I just have to leave or think about something else if I’m going to make it through the movie.

Apparently Jess and Eric were talking about divorce. Eric was going to take Erica to Germany with him while Jess stayed with the other 2 girls. I think that’s a terrible idea. Actually, I think sending Jess and Eric to germany and leaving the girls here would be much better. But they’re not getting a divorce. Instead, they’re going to pretend they’re deeply in love with each other. They’re going to get in horrible jealous shouting matches. They’re going to sleep around with whoever catches their eye. They’re going to demean each other and their girls and portray to the world a happy and loving family. Hello, we can see right though it!

Once, almost 3 years ago, I tried to kill myself. I took a bottle of aspirin. It’s kind of like a marriage. So many people stay married because it’s easier than rocking the boat. Living a life in silent pain is easier that rocking the boat, drawing attention to yourself. My life is better now that I did.

No one has any gumption these days. They need to just close their eyes and take the plunge. do it. divorce. rock the boat and make some waves. It would be better for all involved.

Jesus, I feel like I’m 80 and I’m ranting and raving. Actually, I feel like my uncle Jeff. Bitter. This whole day has left a bad taste in my mouth.

I follow a few blogs pretty faithfully. In the past few weeks they’ve written letters to their 1989 and high school selves. Granted I only graduated high school a few years, but I certainly have a few things to say to myself.

Dear 2005 Katie,

Congrats on graduating. Enjoy this time in your life…it’s going to be a long time before you do something right again. I have a list of things NOT to do, like stop making your decisions based on what happened last summer. You gave that event too much importance. Actually, if you would just stop doing that, the rest of the events that have happened in the future…wouldn’t happen. You would have enjoyed college…maybe even taken it seriously. You wouldn’t have been looking for love and validation in some guy. You wouldn’t have been interested in Phil. You wouldn’t have married him. You would have had more self respect and not put up with the abuse. You wouldn’t have taken all those pills. You wouldn’t have hurt your family so.

But 2005 Katie, you did. You did all these things and more. Surprise! You’re an idiot! But it’s okay. You learned so much through all of these things. You’re going to find that not only do you love your family, you *gasp* like them! I guess the most important piece of advice I could give you…love your family. I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but no one loves you like they do. They tell you the things they do because they have your best interest at heart! And please 2005 Katie, don’t be so angry with God. He turned all those bad things to good. Only His love and grace could do that.

So 2005 Katie, you are going to do a lot of things in the next 5 years. You are going to screw up…alot! But you are going to learn and grow. You are going to be angry…alot! But you are going to learn how to be happy. You are going to change…alot! But know God is holding you in His hands. He is molding you and shaping you exactly the way He wants. So learn to be pliable to His will…and realize you don’t know everything! And know, You will accomplish things…alot of things in fact! You’re just going to attend the school of hard knocks first!

I wish I could be there with you when you go through those nights of hell. You will get through them though! The hurt and pain is going to be worth it! You’re life will be beautiful!

Peace,

2009 Katie.

I’ve been sucking water out of the basement and pulling up carpet and tearing down walls all day!! Floods suck! I’m so thankful our entire house isn’t under water though! And I’m thankful no one in my family has died! It’s terrible! Sometimes the mother nature’s force is terrifying!!

Downtown Atlanta!

Flood '09!

Comes with trials worth withstanding

Goodness gracious! This month has been insane! I can’t believe I have the time to write a blog! Hopefully life will be normal after my brothers wedding on saturday!

So something I’ve noticed recently: how hateful people speak to each other! And I don’t mean random strangers, I mean people who are in relationships. People who love and care about the person they are speaking to! I recently spent a weekend at a friend’s house. She is married to a semi-good guy. He’s your typical enlisted soldier, arrogant, alcoholic, womanizer. But he’s pretty good to her and treats their 3 girls like princesses. He’s nice to me and I genienuly like him. But the way these two speak to each other! I Cringed anytime they had a conversation! Raised voices, terrible name calling, and harsh words…just to decide when and where we should eat. And then 5 minutes later they would be laying together on the couch. I couldn’t believe it!

After I got home, I realized on a much less severe scale, my mom and I were mean to each other. Now neither of us use fowl language or call each other names, but we certainly could speak to each other nicer. Is it just that we get so comfortable with our family? I certainly don’t speak to my friends that way. Are we taking our family for granted? Or there some kind of resentment and relationship wounds that are behind the unloving manner in which we communicate?

Just something that has been on my mind lately.

This is so true, and so scary!!!!!

August 06, 2009

OBAMACARE AND ME

By Zane F Pollard, MD

I have been sitting quietly on the sidelines watching all of this national debate on healthcare. It is time for me to bring some clarity to the table by explaining many of the problems from the perspective of a doctor. First off, the government has involved very few of us physicians in the healthcare debate. While the American Medical Association has come out in favor of the plan, it is vital to remember that the AMA only represents 17% of the American physician workforce. I have taken care of Medicaid patients for 35 years while representing the only pediatric ophthalmology group left in Atlanta, Georgia that accepts Medicaid. For example, in the past 6 months I have cared for three young children on Medicaid who had corneal ulcers. This is a potentially blinding situation because if the cornea perforates from the infection, almost surely blindness will occur. In all three cases the antibiotic needed for the eradication of the infection was not on the approved Medicaid list. Each time I was told to fax Medicaid for the approval forms, which I did. Within 48 hours the form came back to me which was sent in immediately via fax, and I was told that I would have my answer in 10 days. Of course by then each child would have been blind in the eye. Each time the request came back denied. All three times I personally provided the antibiotic for each patient which was not on the Medicaid approved list. Get the point — rationing of care. Over the past 35 years I have cared for over 1000 children born with congenital cataracts. In older children and in adults the vision is rehabilitated with an intraocular lens. In newborns we use contact lenses which are very expensive. It takes Medicaid over one year to approve a contact lens post cataract surgery. By that time a successful anatomical operation is wasted as the child will be close to blind from a lack of focusing for so long a period of time. Again, extreme rationing. Solution: I have a foundation here in Atlanta supported 100% by private funds which supplies all of these contact lenses for my Medicaid and illegal immigrants children for free. Again, waiting for the government would be disastrous. Last week I had a lady bring her child to me. They are Americans but live in Sweden, as the father has a job with a big corporation. The child had the onset of double vision 3 months ago and has been unable to function normally because of this. They are people of means but are waiting 8 months to see the ophthalmologist in Sweden. Then if the child needed surgery they would be put on a 6 month waiting list. She called me and I saw her that day. It turned out that the child had accommodative esotropia (crossing of the eyes treated with glasses that correct for farsightedness) and responded to glasses within 4 days, so no surgery was needed. Again, rationing of care. Last month I operated on a 70 year old lady with double vision present for 3 years. She responded quite nicely to her surgery and now is symptom free. I also operated on a 69 year old judge with vertical double vision. His surgery went very well and now he is happy as a lark. I have been told — but of course there is no healthcare bill that has been passed yet — that these 2 people because of their age would have been denied surgery and just told to wear a patch over one eye to alleviate the symptoms of double vision. Obviously cheaper than surgery. I spent two years in the US Navy during the Viet Nam war and was well treated by the military. There was tremendous rationing of care and we were told specifically what things the military personnel and their dependents could have and which things they could not have. While I was in Viet Nam, my wife Nancy got sick and got essentially no care at the Naval Hospital in Oakland, California. She went home and went to her family’s private internist in Beverly Hills. While it was expensive, she received an immediate work up. Again rationing of care. For those of you who are over 65, this bill in its present form might be lethal for you. People in England over 59 cannot receive stents for their coronary arteries. The government wants to mimic the British plan. For those of you younger, it will still mean restriction of the care that you and your children receive. While 99% of physicians went into medicine because of the love of medicine and the challenge of helping our fellow man, economics are still important. My rent goes up 2% each year and the salaries of my employees go up 2% each year. Twenty years ago, ophthalmologists were paid $1800 for a cataract surgery and today $500. This is a 73% decrease in our fees. I do not know of many jobs in America that have seen this sort of lowering of fees. But there is more to the story than just the lower fees. When I came to Atlanta, there was a well known ophthalmologist that charged $2500 for a cataract surgery as he felt the was the best. He had a terrific reputation and in fact I had my mother’s bilateral cataracts operated on by him with a wonderful result. She is now 94 and has 20/20 vision in both eyes. People would pay his $2500 fee. However, then the government came in and said that any doctor that does Medicare work cannot accept more than the going rate ( now $500) or he or she would be severely fined. This put an end to his charging $2500. The government said it was illegal to accept more than the government-allowed rate. What I am driving at is that those of you well off will not be able to go to the head of the line under this new healthcare plan, just because you have money, as no physician will be willing to go against the law to treat you. I am a pediatric ophthalmologist and trained for 10 years post-college to become a pediatric ophthalmologist (add two years of my service in the Navy and that comes to 12 years).A neurosurgeon spends 14 years post -college, and if he or she has to do the military that would be 16 years. I am not entitled to make what a neurosurgeon makes, but the new plan calls for all physicians to make the same amount of payment. I assure you that medical students will not go into neurosurgery and we will have a tremendous shortage of neurosurgeons. Already, the top neurosurgeon at my hospital who is in good health and only 52 years old has just quit because he can’t stand working with the government anymore. Forty-nine percent of children under the age of 16 in the state of Georgia are on Medicaid, so he felt he just could not stand working with the bureaucracy anymore. We are being lied to about the uninsured. They are getting care. I operate at least 2 illegal immigrants each month who pay me nothing, and the children’s hospital at which I operate charges them nothing also.This is true not only on Atlanta, but of every community in America. The bottom line is that I urge all of you to contact your congresswomen and congressmen and senators to defeat this bill. I promise you that you will not like rationing of your own health. Furthermore, how can you trust a physician that works under these conditions knowing that he is controlled by the state. I certainly could not trust any doctor that would work under these draconian conditions. One last thing: with this new healthcare plan there will be a tremendous shortage of physicians. It has been estimated that approximately 5% of the current physician work force will quit under this new system. Also it is estimated that another 5% shortage will occur because of the decreased number of men and women wanting to go into medicine. At the present time the US government has mandated gender equity in admissions to medical schools .That means that for the past 15 years that somewhere between 49 and 51% of each entering class are females. This is true of private schools also, because all private schools receive federal funding. The average career of a woman in medicine now is only 8-10 years and the average work week for a female in medicine is only 3-4 days. I have now trained 35 fellows in pediatric ophthalmology. Hands down the best was a female that I trained 4 years ago — she was head and heels above all others I have trained. She now practices only 3 days a week

so my mom has lung cancer. Probably. They found a mass today. We go to a pulmonologist sometime this week.

I keep thinking it’s a mistake, and it’ll be fine.

I wanted to ask her if she had a good life insurance policy. I think that means i’m a terrible person. Really I was thinking about the house and my dad though.

I keep thinking about everyone I know who has lost their Mom. I keep thinking I didn’t give them enough sympathy. empathy. compassion.

What will I do without my mom? Will she ever meet any of her grandkids? Will she be there when I get married, if I ever do? Will she be teaching still next year? I moved home worried about getting her tested for Alzheimer’s. Now it seems as if this will take her so much sooner.

I’m not ready, I’m not prepared. Can you ever prepare to lose your mom? She’s the person on earth who knows the most about me.

It seems fitting that today was rainy. Although it adds to the surreal nature of this. My dad is in Florida, and I’m sure he feels terrible. Like it’s his fault. And in all likelihood, it is. I hope to God he never smokes another cigarette.

I kinda feel like David Nail-minus the whole sunshine thing.

Some are comin’ home
Some are leavin’ town
While my world’s crashin’ down
On a Sunday
In the sunshine
At a red light

She sat in the chair on the screened in porch. Stared out into the landscape. But she didn’t see a thing that was there. She lost herself in thoughts of long ago. Somehow one thought lead to another that lead to another, and she was full circle.

But you’ll never know her. You won’t know what she finds funny. You won’t know what she thinks is sad. You’ll never know the trials she’s overcome. You’ll never know the demons still chasing her down. You’ll never know a thought that’s in her head.

She looks at you with a bland stare. She’ll never take you past her superficial. You’ll tell her about you, but you won’t know about her. Not the real her. She talks without saying anything meaningful, not even knowing it.

You see, somewhere in time long ago, someone took something from her. Don’t ask what it is, she wouldn’t even know. But she’ll never connect with you. She’s locked away in her own world. Deep on the inside, but locked up tight on the outside.

There’s a desperation in her soul, that she can’t seem to show. Always wanting to say more. Wanting to scream. Wanting to be real. But always, she’s quiet. She learned to keep herself back. Now she doesn’t even know how to find her real self. Wishes she could explode into a million tiny pieces, and get put back together right.

Part of her is missing. A jigsaw puzzle never to be finished. Jam the pieces together to make them fit. She’s drowning. She’s screaming. Bound at ever limb by her shackles of fear. Sealed with lies through so many tears. Lost from within, she’s pursuing the end.

Always confusing, the thoughts in her head. She can’t trust herself anymore. She’s a jumbled up mess. Caught in a web of numbness. Will she ever feel again?

Again, I’m here. Again, I don’t know where to start. I’m typing without editing. I’m just putting it out there, Thank God no one knows I have this. I’m glad I kept this one quiet. I saw Kevin on Sunday. I was shocked to say the least. Seeing him, and my reaction to him. I literally felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to get up and leave, but I didn’t know if I could. I cried through the whole service. Him for being scum. Me, for feeling like a faiilure. I realized there is nothing good about me. I’m scum too. I wished I’d never been born. I wished I could start all over. I wished I was good. I wished I wasn’t bad. I wished I wasn’t so awkward. I wished God would talk to me, show me something. I don’t doubt God is there. I know He is and I love Him in the most pathetic way. But He is just like every man in my life. Has no interest in me, no feeling for me. Again, I’m pathetically pining and begging for love.

I don’t even know what I feel anymore. Sunday I cried so much. It was like the floodgates opened. I didn’t go to youth group, didn’t go to mark and rhonda’s. I didn’t answer mark’s text. I still haven’t talked to them. I haven’t really talked to anybody. I go to work, and I’m pretty much fine, except when no one’s in the room. And then I cry. I’ve been coming straight home and laying in my bed till I’m tired enough to sleep. I’m usually crying off and on. Why am I such a failure? Why am I such a loser? Why can’t I be normal? I truly hate myself. Part of me is so ready to pack up and move home. Admit defeat. It’s all so overwhelming. I mostly wish that a car would come across the median and kill me. When I’m driving, I always wonder if that’s the car that will end it for me.

I just want to crawl out of my skin.

Late at night I lie awake, think I should go
Catch a train to stranger towns
Where no one knows me

An Honest Clumsy Clown.

That’s the best description I’ve ever heard. It’s me.

I went a little too far yesterday. Said a little too much. Not enough to give me away, but enough that he should know. I could blame it on the pain killers, but the truth is, I’ve been wanting to put it out there for way too long.

So it’s out there…sorta. Enough that he could have picked up the ball. All I can picture is me being this pathetic being, wanting somone so much who so obviously wants nothing to do with me. But that’s always been the case. I’ve always had a crush on someone, or loved someone, who didn’t feel a thing for me. There’s really no other word to describe me other than pathetic.

For over a year now, I have been desperatly hoping that he would realize his love for me and we would live happily ever after. I think he is a reason I’ve stayed in clarksville as long as I have. I’ve been holding out hope. But I need to be all in for God. So I’m praying He shows me where he wants me to go, cause I think I can finally let go of clarksville. As hard as it is to say, I think I can finally let go of my dream as wife and mother. Not without tears, but letting go is letting go, no matter how hard. The thought of never having a family of my own is pretty devastating, but my God is bigger than that. The cross is bigger than that.

So I’m ready to step out into a new day…the day God has planned.