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What’s that? I’m watching a Paul Simon interview…my brain is a complete puddle of annoyed mush.But seriously I’m not crazy about dying…which is why I’m torturing myself right now. I don’t just want to look good, I want to feel better and have a long life so I can work at Dunkin’ Donuts do something worthwhile.

I’m so hungry I feel like vomiting….but that’s totally my own fault. But still…I wanted to say screw the 17 day diet so so so sooooooo badly! Those munchkins were calling out to me like long lost friends…”Just oneeee! It won’t hurt your progress…60 calories…it can’t sidetrack you! We’re full of yummy goodness that will totally satisfy that hunger pang that only delicious carbs will satisfy…”

Really….they were saying that to me. I heard it…during allll 13 hours of my work day. But I won dangit! Those munchkins went down…and the blueberry bagel I wanted so bad that last hour…it would have been heavenly toasted with melted butter and just a tinnny bit of cream cheese. SO. YUMMY! But I did not…

Instead I had my Keifer Smoothie and Orange this morning. I ended up not liking my salad…I only ate like 5 bites…and let me tell you that sucker was HUGE! I’m not a fan of balsamic vinegar unless it’s cooked. So I gave it to my mid-shifter.

I ate all my carrots. and celery. and green tea. And I had a yogurt. But dang…my stomach is literally eating itself right now. And I have another 50 minutes until the eggplant Parmesan I’m making is ready…I have no idea if it will be good or not. I’m also making more kefir smoothies and taco salad for tomorrow. I’m 99% positive the taco salad is going to be awesome. Right?! right.

And I’m actually not quite ready to start c25k…my leg is not healed from the stupid car accident. Maybe my leg will be healed by the time my car eventually…some time in the near to far future…get’s fixed.

However…I’m 6 L.B’s down. Yep…true story. Totally makes the heart burn and churning stomach at the moment worth it. Now I’m off for a glass of blueberry green tea.

P.S. I realize I’m making the diet sound like death today…but this is the first day it’s been terrible…and it’s day 4…which is like 1/4 of the way through the cycle. It’s all good in the hood….

P.P.S I totally sang “gangsta’s paradise” by coolio at work all day. It was fabulous.

P.P.P.S I also sang “This is the song that doesn’t end…” from Lambchop and sherry lewis days. Awesome right?!

Till next time…

Image by Wonderlane via Flickr

So C25K was a fail today…I didn’t even attempt to run. More on that later.

I am however KICKING BUTT on the 17 day diet! In case any prospective future husbands or roommates are reading this…I am an AMAZING cook. (Insert humble comment here) Really. I forgot how much I love to cook…especially without using recipes. How much butt am I kicking?! Well day 2…and I’m 3 pounds down. YES…THREE POUNDS….TWO DAYS! For reals ya’ll. Last night was salmon, tonight was chicken, and tomorrow is eggplant Parmesan. (yes, this is a real diet!)

Okay, I didn’t run today because my poor right leg was SCREAMING in pain! I blame it on the car accident…my left leg is so much weaker now. (thanks bruised bone and torn muscle!) It causes me to overcompensate on my right leg…hence the screaming muscles. Besides…you’re supposed to give your body rest, right? RIGHT?!?! I know I’m not giving up this soon…and I know I’m a wuss…but tomorrow is another day…I WILL complete C25K day 1 tomorrow. I will.

Oh and I got my did…it’s dark. Drastically dark…my dad hates it. But he notices immediately which tells you how drastic it is. I love it!! It will look amazing with the bridesmaid dress for the wedding i’m in in May. =)

So on my way to a thinner me!!

Also, looking for an Alzheimer’s 5k to participate in…so I can have a real goal.

Random blog today? Why yes, I think so. B T Dub—I totally love blueberry green tea. It makes me really happy. =)

Till tomorrow y’all….which is my first day back at work since the start of the diet. Those Donuts are going down…not as in down the hatch, but down as in my will power is going to slap them all the way down. Or something like that…

I will not eat munchkins tomorrow…I will not eat munchkins tomorrow…not even at 4 am…no munchkins…

Related articles

• 17-Day Diet the new weight loss rage (windsorstar.com)
• ‘The 17 Day Diet’: Can You Really Lose 12 Pounds in 17 Days? (self.com)

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Well…. C25K day 1 was a fail again. But not an epic fail. I completed 31 minutes! and I ran 5 of the 9 running cycles.

Day 1 again tomorrow.

I think being outside helped…seeing my running progress. The treadmill is so boring…even my playlist did nothing to distract me yesterday.

I also made a delish healthy breakfast…Spanish omelet and blueberry green tea! Made my parents breakfast too. It helped not being stared down my munchkins today…those damn chocolate munchkins call my name every morning! And my will power at 4 am is non-existant. One more day off tomorrow…and then Wednesday will be the true test of my will power.

On a bright note…Dakota did not trip me…not even once. It helps that my mother held his leash 90% of the time. And he’s still panting like breathing is going out of style. I recovered quickly…which probably means I’m a wuss and could have pushed through but gave up…

will power…one 1 minute running cycle at a time. =)

Till tomorrow…..

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Yep…I’m Back.

Where have I been you ask?!

Well…working 60+ hours a week…well…let’s go for broke and call it an even 80 hours a week. (It’s true you know!) I’ve become a store manager at Dunkin’ Donuts. And I packed on the L-B’s if you know what I mean.

And that’s why I’m back. I’ve gained an ungodly amount of weight. UN-GODLY!!

This was me almost a year ago in Atlanta -

I KNOW…I looked so Trendy.

And this is me now…literally I just took it.

I KNOWWWW….scary. frightening. My legs are tree trunks. My stomach is round…not flat. And my face…oh man I look the marshmellow man. In more ways than one…thank you Dunkin’ Donuts for taking away all my tanning time tooooo!

I would first like to thank the makers of Danazol. Thank you for making my pain stop. But I kind of hate you for the terrible skin acne I developed, the weight gain (30 lbs in two months…before I ever got the DD job!), and the hot flashes. I’ll forgive you for the hair on my upper lip that got kinda gross…wax takes care of that.

And secondly I would like to thank myself for the weight gain…or rather my complete lack of control. You Win Donuts..YOU WIN!! I tried to resist…but you wore me down day in and day out…and now I eat donuts every day. and muchkins…and croissants and bagels…i’m insatiable. It’s disgusting…I have no self-control.

I’m an utter mess…I’ve stopped taking care of myself completely. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, socially…

Well that stops now. Today was day 1 of the couch to 5k program. c25k

Let me just tell you in case you didn’t get the picture already…I AM FAT! And OUT OF SHAPE!! Day one was 30 minutes…I made it 16 minutes…yeah a 5 minute warm up. 1 minute run. 1.5 minute walk. 1 min run…and so on and so forth. yeah…I make it halfway…guess tomorrow is day one again.

I’m blogging to hold myself accountable and to hopefully look back and feel proud of my progress.

I’m also starting the 17 day diet tomorrow…

So wish me luck…expect daily updates…

C25K day 1=Epic fail!!

Damnit it hurts.

But I’m just waiting for my newest scar…the one before my next one. I can’t call them mistakes, but I can call them scars, helping me to delay time before the next scar.

I see this going downhill so terribly fast, but I can’t bring myself to jump off the ride. I guess I want to be there for the aftermath, I want to be the person craning my neck driving past the wreck. But I think I’m going to be the one in the scene.

I changed his name in my phone to Sketchy Ray. It makes me smile a little bit when he texts me. I think I’ll tell him that tonight.

My mask is slipping, slightly cracking. I’m not sure I can handle this. We all want to be known, it’s ingrained in us. But I’ve learned to hold so much of myself back. I’ve learned how to appear that I’m all together. And now my veneer is fading.

Will everyone see what a mess I am? Will everyone see what I try to hide even from myself? Will everyone see the bad? Will they find the good? Is there any good? Will they see what I’ve overcome? Will they see what I still struggle with? I’m so afraid of being a fraud.

How do I say what I want to say without regretting it later? If I talk about what I want to talk about I’ll be embarrassed later because I know it will never work out. I just hate that I’m so screwed up. I wish relationships were easy for me. I wish I didn’t think I have a chance with this guy that I so obviously don’t. I’ve said too much.

And doesn’t that sound familiar? Doesn’t that hit too close to home?
Doesn’t that make you shiver; the way things could have gone?
And doesn’t it feel peculiar when everyone wants a little more?
And so that I do remember to never go that far,
Could you leave me with a scar?
Could you leave me with a scar?

Last week my mom told me I was scared of getting into a relationship. I tried to make a joke about it to Kyle, but he just said, “You’re mad cause she’s right.” Damn. Why do they have to be right?

But what neither of them realized, and what I realized just a few minutes ago, I’m afraid of ALL relationships. I don’t invest myself emotionally into any relationship. Yes I love my family, but I wouldn’t say that any of us know each other very well, with the exception of my mother. Which is weird, because I don’t ever talk to her about anything important.

Who did I just realize I love wholeheartedly? Who did I just realize has been more of a best friend to me than any of my life long “best friends.” That would be the one and only Jess. She sent me a card today, and I almost completely broke down crying. It was the sweetest card, she’s so thoughtful. And she sent that card before she knew how bad I was struggling. Must be best friend intuition. I thought I could fake my way through our friendship like I have with every other friendship. I honestly didn’t think we would be lifelong friends. Mainly because I have no lifelong friends. I’m good at making shallow friendships, but they’re never maintained. But Jess has showed me what a friend is supposed to look like. She’s showed me what it’s like to have awkward moments, fun moments, sad moments, woot moments, drunk moments, mad moments. She’s showed me that all those moments make up a friendship…a deep friendship. I wish I had the words to express what I just realized she has taught me in this past year of friendship. Of honest to goodness friendship. I only hope that I can be half the friend to her that she is to me.

I don’t say all this because I realize I need to open up to people…because that’s just not going to happen. It really does take a lot to earn my trust, and I realize that people don’t want to jump through someone’s hoops. I write all of this to say that I have learned what it means to have a true blue best friend. I have learned what it means to be able to truly depend on someone. I have learned how to trust someone. I have a best friend for life and I have no idea what I would do without her.

I feel so lesbian writing this, haha. It’s just that I see how our relationship has evolved. We went from strangers, to mere acquaintances, to facebook friends, to babysitter, to hanging out, to partying together, to hanging out almost every night (Man what a good summer!), to long distance sisters. I can’t wait to see how our relationship evolves. I know it took me a long time to get to this point to where I truly care and trust someone, I always thought it would be my future husband, but no, it’s my best friend who’s taught me how to do this.

I’m just thankful.

I found out saturday that I didn’t get the scholarship I was counting on, which means I can’t go to the nursing school I wanted to. I really thought I was on the right path, I thought that was where God was leading. Now I have no freaking clue. I haven’t made it to class once this week, I just don’t give a damn. I doubt I’ll ever become a nurse, or ever amount to anything really. I just can’t see myself making anything of myself. I don’t see myself in the future at all, like when I think about the future there’s nothing. I feel nothing. I see nothing. I sometimes wonder if I’ll die young since I don’t see myself in the future at all. That’s a morbid thought. I’d be okay with that though.

I’m really not in a pity party, I’m just on pause, thinking.

So here’s one of her recipes-It’s my brothers favorite food. They make it often, and don’t let their wives make it. It’s not as good as when they make it, maybe you have to be a McCarson to make it good, who knows.

It’s called: TACO PIE and it’s amazing!

1. Brown meat (I like to use turkey, but everyone else in my family uses beef) in skillet-add Taco Mix and follow directions.

2. Spread pillsbury pie crust over a 9 inch round baking dish.

3. Crush tortilla chips and cover the bottom of pie crust.

4. Layer meat, sour cream, and mexican cheese till you reach the top of the dish. (the more cheese, the better!)

5. Bake at 425 for about 20 minutes, or until crust is brown and cheese is nice and melted!

Top with salsa and it’s delish!

**It tastes even better warmed up the next day!