Again, I’m here. Again, I don’t know where to start. I’m typing without editing. I’m just putting it out there, Thank God no one knows I have this. I’m glad I kept this one quiet. I saw Kevin on Sunday. I was shocked to say the least. Seeing him, and my reaction to him. I literally felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to get up and leave, but I didn’t know if I could. I cried through the whole service. Him for being scum. Me, for feeling like a faiilure. I realized there is nothing good about me. I’m scum too. I wished I’d never been born. I wished I could start all over. I wished I was good. I wished I wasn’t bad. I wished I wasn’t so awkward. I wished God would talk to me, show me something. I don’t doubt God is there. I know He is and I love Him in the most pathetic way. But He is just like every man in my life. Has no interest in me, no feeling for me. Again, I’m pathetically pining and begging for love.
I don’t even know what I feel anymore. Sunday I cried so much. It was like the floodgates opened. I didn’t go to youth group, didn’t go to mark and rhonda’s. I didn’t answer mark’s text. I still haven’t talked to them. I haven’t really talked to anybody. I go to work, and I’m pretty much fine, except when no one’s in the room. And then I cry. I’ve been coming straight home and laying in my bed till I’m tired enough to sleep. I’m usually crying off and on. Why am I such a failure? Why am I such a loser? Why can’t I be normal? I truly hate myself. Part of me is so ready to pack up and move home. Admit defeat. It’s all so overwhelming. I mostly wish that a car would come across the median and kill me. When I’m driving, I always wonder if that’s the car that will end it for me.
I just want to crawl out of my skin.
Late at night I lie awake, think I should go
Catch a train to stranger towns
Where no one knows me
