I’ve been having writers block.
More than writers block…i’ve been having heart block.
I don’t know how to fix it. I talk to God, but mostly I’m just telling Him how far away I feel. Mostly, I’m telling Him I don’t know what to say. I’ve been trying to focus on listening to Him. It’s pretty much the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to do. I don’t hear Him, and next thing I know I’m thinking about something completely random and I have no idea how I got to that point.
So I decided in the shower I would start writing again. Maybe it can awaken my soul, my brain, my heart…maybe it’ll awaken something in me that will allow me to feel God again. That will allow me to know God.
I sometimes wonder why I get tattoos. I mean, I love them mostly. I enjoy them. And then I see someone out and they look so trashy with them. Then I think, do I look that trashy? Not that you can see mine unless I want you to. They are all covered by shorts and and a t shirt. Except for my foot tattoo. I think that mine all have meaning, most of them are religious in nature. Okay, so three of them are. 3 of them are for people I love dearly. And one of them will forever represent one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I guess all I’m saying is that I hope I don’t ever come to regret them.
There’s no clear direction for this blog. It’s just a start to hopefully unravel my screwedupness. Hopefully I’ll be able to find out why I can’t get to close God. Hopefully I can find out why I run from emotion. Even when I try to embrace it, it escapes me. I felt so lonely sitting on the couch this afternoon. I knew I was going to cry so i got in the shower. And nothing, no real tears. Nothing. It’s how it always is. I can cry for anything that is sad, extreme homemaker kills me every week. I can cry when I feel someone else’s painful emotions. When it comes to my emotions, I’m like a stone wall. I wonder if this is normal?
On a side note, even though I am perpetually messed up, I’m seriously comtemplating sending Mikey an email or a text. I really felt the connection on Sunday, I could tell when we laughed we were looking at each other and not anyone else. I hope I’m not wrong, it would be so dreadfully awkward if I said something and he didn’t want to date. I would lose his friendship, and probably change my friendship with Mark and Rhonda. I certainly wouldn’t want to go over and hang out anymore. Would I even feel comfortable at youth group? But I keep thinking, am I wussing out from stepping into God’s plan? Or am I saving myself from humiliation and heartbreak? I put on my calendar almost a year ago to tell him on my birthday that I have feelings for him. Well, my birthday is just a few weeks away. My stomach is in knots just thinking about it. It could be so right, or it could be so wrong. I guess it’s like anything in life. I guess I should stop analyzing and just do.
She feels lost in her own life
Treading water just to keep from slipping under
And she wonders if she’s where she’s supposed to be
Tired of trying to do it right
Her dreams are just too far away to see how steps she’s making might be taking her to who she’ll be
