It’s here again. It didn’t even sneak up on me this time. I felt it coming like a big black train. I did what I was supposed. I found a counselor. I go to church. I pray, when I can muster up the courage. Last time, I just drowned it in sex, drugs, and alcohol. I don’t live that life anymore. I can feel it sitting on my chest. I can tell by the way I can’t get out of bed. And how I can’t sleep even though I’m beyond exhausted. I can tell it by how many times a day I change my thoughts to some made up fantasy world so I don’t have to live in mine.
Yep, I’m depressed again. I’m so tired and naseous all the time. I’m often dizzy and have double vision. I cry at the drop of a hat and have cancelled all my weekend plans for the last month and spend all day in bed. And my God, I can’t stop eating. My world has never revolved around food the way it has these past few weeks. And trust me, the waistline is showing it. At least last time I was so messed up all the time I couldn’t eat and dropped so much weight the docs were telling me to gain weight.
I’ve got a wall around all the thoughts that are dragging me down, and even if I wanted to I couldn’t get over it. I can drag out some things, my relationship with my father is the newest issue my therapist is dragging out. I can’t believe how painful it is. I had no idea I had so much anger. Let’s not even get into my future. Am I supposed to stay at crappy Hopkinsville? Will I get into Austin Peay? Should I take the CNA course? Am I even supposed to be here in Clarksville, or am I supposed to move to GA? Will I ever be able to have a home of my own? Forget marriage and kids, I know that’s just too much to ask for, but I just want my own place. I want all my stuff to be one place. I want to be able to come home and cook my food in my dishes at the time I want to. I want to be able to turn on my tv and sit on my couch and watch what I want to.
I sometimes think I screwed up too badly in the past to have any success now. I realize that this whole blog contains nothing but I, and that I come across as pretty selfish. I guess I am. Even all of my charity work is done for me. I truly love high school kids and I hope that I am helping them. But I wonder if it’s all just manipulation on my part. Am I doing it for the right reasons? Or am I just doing it for recognition? I honestly don’t know. I would like to think I’m doing it because I love God, but God and I are on a dry spell. I’m so hungry for him, but I can’t find him. I’m so empty and scared and lonely and frightened it’s not even funny.
I’m willing to live any life God wants me to live. I’m willing to follow His path and His plan, I just need him to give it to me! I’ll follow it to a T, no matter how hard it is. I just need to know that I’m on the right path. I’m so frusterated and I don’t understand why I feel so far and distant from him. I sometimes doubt if we have a relationship at all, it’s been so quiet on His end, and now, more and more on my end.
I’m just so tired of living, I’m so tired of always doing the responsible thing. I’m so ready to just give up and live in my parents house and do nothing with my life. It’s just too hard. I’m ready to fold, admit I’m a failure and just be done with it. I’m tired of everything being so hard, I can’t do it anymore. It hurts to much.
You don’t need help, you just need to get up and get busy.
at one point in my life i was lost,sad and needy of support and i had two choices; get to the corner and cry,or fix my life for better and
of course is not easy, and is going to take time
but you already are part of this world don’t be a quitter.
Thanks Claudia for the comment. I think you missed the point of my blog though. A, I don’t think I asked for help. And B, I volunteer 2 nights a week and all day Sunday with the youth group, I teach 2 different Sunday schools, and Children’s church. 2 nights a week I sit with an elderly lady who has had a stroke, and I am also a Young Life leader for at risk kids in my community. I also work and go to school full time, so I don’t think getting up and getting busy is a solution to my problem. Thanks though for your advice, keep in mind though, sometimes it’s better to be a good listener and keep well meant but empty platitudes to yourself.