I never know how to start these. I’m in california. Carmel to be exact and it’s one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been. I walked down to the beach today and just sat. Maybe for about an hour. And I couldn’t feel any emotion. I’m looking at one of the most beautiful landscapes I’ve ever seen, sitting next to Pebble Beach Golf Club and I’m still frozen inside. I don’t want to be frozen, i want to feel. Anything. Even the pain. But I’m so anxious about my future and my life, that I’m paralyzed. I feel like there’s a thick callous over my heart and surrounding my feelings and I can sometimes feel the slightest twinge, but it’s all so far away and so faint. I really don’t ever feel anything at all.
I wonder, will life always be like this? Exanimate.
