So my 21st birthday is just a few days away. It’s funny to think about my age, and the things I’ve lived and seen. They don’t match up. I’m not trying to say that I’m that different from other 21 year olds, cause I’m not the only one whose had a bad deck of cards, and I know that I haven’t had the worst life. I’m pretty blessed.
As bad as things got between my family and I, I knew that they loved me and were still there for me. I feel awful for the things I’ve put them through. It’s like I told Christina. God gives us choices: the easy way, or the hard way. I could have chosen to become a nanny last february when it felt like the right thing to do. But I didn’t. I was too scared to make such a big change. So I went through another bad (though brief) relationship. I went through a suicide attemt. I went through addiction. I went through leaving my parents house in a bad way. And I still ended up becoming a nanny. Granted, I love this family, and I love clarksville and the people there. But I could still be where I am today, just with a lot less emotional baggage. But I’m thankful for it, because I’m even stronger now. i have a testimony and witness that can reach people who are in the same situations I was in. I have compassion and even empathy for more walks of life. And I’m so thankful for it. So maybe I wasn’t supposed to choose the easy way, cause from where I stand, things are pretty great right now.
I am worried that with my 21st birthday, I’ll start turning back into the person I was. Back into my partying ways. I’m not saying that going out and having a good time is wrong, but for me, it doesn’t really feel right. I would rather sit back with a few beers and some good friends. It seems that so much of going out is wrapped up in finding a guy, either to date, or just for the night. Or else the night is all about getting drunk. And I don’t want to get drunk. I look at these people partying all the time, and being completely wasted. Spending all their money, and I think, why? They’re looking for something. They need some kind of completion. They’re lacking something in their life…I know what it is. I can see the need in their eyes, in the desparation of their songs and their drinks and their words. It’s all just under the surface. But they don’t want anyone to see it. They don’t want to be vulnerable. They know something is missing, but they don’t want to let go of what they have, for fear that what they’ll get won’t be as “fun”. So maybe I’ll take this week, this year, this life, and show them that it’s okay. That in fact, they’re not missing out on anything. They’re gaining a whole lot more!
