I guess I get what I deserve for looking him up.

My ex-husband is married and has a baby.

I’m so hurt….I’m devasted.

So my 21st birthday is just a few days away. It’s funny to think about my age, and the things I’ve lived and seen. They don’t match up. I’m not trying to say that I’m that different from other 21 year olds, cause I’m not the only one whose had a bad deck of cards, and I know that I haven’t had the worst life. I’m pretty blessed.

As bad as things got between my family and I, I knew that they loved me and were still there for me. I feel awful for the things I’ve put them through. It’s like I told Christina. God gives us choices: the easy way, or the hard way. I could have chosen to become a nanny last february when it felt like the right thing to do. But I didn’t. I was too scared to make such a big change. So I went through another bad (though brief) relationship. I went through a suicide attemt. I went through addiction. I went through leaving my parents house in a bad way. And I still ended up becoming a nanny. Granted, I love this family, and I love clarksville and the people there. But I could still be where I am today, just with a lot less emotional baggage. But I’m thankful for it, because I’m even stronger now. i have a testimony and witness that can reach people who are in the same situations I was in. I have compassion and even empathy for more walks of life. And I’m so thankful for it. So maybe I wasn’t supposed to choose the easy way, cause from where I stand, things are pretty great right now.

I am worried that with my 21st birthday, I’ll start turning back into the person I was. Back into my partying ways. I’m not saying that going out and having a good time is wrong, but for me, it doesn’t really feel right. I would rather sit back with a few beers and some good friends. It seems that so much of going out is wrapped up in finding a guy, either to date, or just for the night. Or else the night is all about getting drunk. And I don’t want to get drunk. I look at these people partying all the time, and being completely wasted. Spending all their money, and I think, why? They’re looking for something. They need some kind of completion. They’re lacking something in their life…I know what it is. I can see the need in their eyes, in the desparation of their songs and their drinks and their words. It’s all just under the surface. But they don’t want anyone to see it. They don’t want to be vulnerable. They know something is missing, but they don’t want to let go of what they have, for fear that what they’ll get won’t be as “fun”. So maybe I’ll take this week, this year, this life, and show them that it’s okay. That in fact, they’re not missing out on anything. They’re gaining a whole lot more!

it’s almost one in the morning. I should be sleeping, but I forgot to take my sleeping pills. I can’t sleep without sleeping pills, unless it’s morning time. And then I have to be up. The past few days though, okay, this whole week, I’ve only gotten out of bed to drive Jake to bus stop and then I sleep until I hear Hannah cry. And then I bring her in my room, put the TV on for her and sleep till I hate myself for wasting the day and not doing the 1,000,000 things that HAVE to be done. Tony and Michael have been getting up on their own and going out to the bus stop on time all week. Can I tell you how awful that makes me feel? I have boxes that I need to send to Christina and Kevin, but I just don’t feel like putting them together. Tomorrow is the busiest day of my life thus far, and I’m dreading it. I have play group, grocery shopping, post office, jake’s therapy, jake and michael’s guitar lesson, and they all have games tomorrow night. And I’m supposed to bring snacks, to all of them. And all I want, the only thing I want is a few minutes of peace. When the kids are awake, they have to be with me constantly. I shut myself up in the bathroom today and layed on the floor while Hannah pounded and cried at it and Jake whispered under the door “katie, katie, katie, katie, katie” I swear to you I thought I was going to lose it. I thought I was going completely fing mental. And I had the audacity to question God, I kept asking Him “WHere the hell are you?! Make this stop! I need a break!!!!” And nothin happened, I snapped and scream, SCREAMED at Jake. He was crying. And the whole time I’m looking at myself and going, “What are you doing?” And then we went to church. Hypocrital. It SCREAMS hpocrital. And I cried, I sobbed. And i felt like a dumbass and left as soon as it was over. Who the hell cries in front of a bunch of strangers? How do I accept God’s grace? Why can’t I feel him? WHat more am I suppoed to do? I feel like I’m giving everything to HIM and it’s NOT ENOUGH! What more does He want? I go to church, I pray, I cry out to Him! I read the books and I read the bible and I don’t date and I’m taking care of someone else’s kids why they fight this war…and nothing. THere’s no peace. I’m either always about to burst into tears, begging for God to help me. Or I’m just numb, and the only way I stay numb is by eating. THe more I eat the more numb I feel and the more I can say “I don’t care. I’m just a fat bitter old hag” and then of course I hate myself for it. It’s such a fun cycle. So tell me, Where are you God? I know You never leave and all that, but why can’t I feel You? I’m begging for You, I humble myself daily, and still I can’t feel You! I’m giving You everything, and I know You gave all for me, so why can’t we talk? Why is there no communication? Why do I feel like everything I do, think, and say is wrong? Why can’t I get any Peace?!?!?!!?

Sometimes I don’t know where to begin. There are so many thoughts moving around. And mostly I feel stupid for them, cause they’re like so many I’ve had before. And they’re so tired and unorginal. I try to tell myself I’m an orginal, that I am unique. But more and more that seems so false. My story is not that unique. And there are so many out there who have had it so much worse. It seems these days that everyone has had an abusive relationship, struggled, with alcohol and drugs and sex, and suicide, and then found God. So who am I to think my story is any different? Why do I think that what I have to say will help anyone? Sometimes i feel so disposable. Whatever we’re doing, if we stop, there’s 100 more people who can step and do the same thing, only better.

And then there’s this guy. There’s always a guy, right? I’m crushing on him MAJOR. And it’s so ridiculous, and I convince myself every week that I don’t like him, that he’s not the right one for me, and then I see him on Sunday, and I think, weeeell maybe?? I mean, I look at him and know him and he seems so perfect. He’s got  ajob, a college education, he doesn’t drink, doesn’t do drugs, loves God, is the youth leader at the church. And we always seem to click, we’re always working off each other, and it seems to me like there’s a little romantic tension. But of course that’s just what I want to see. Why would someone as amazing as him, end up with me? I’ve done nothing in life that warrants my happiness. Which is what’s so amazing about grace.

And still, I think about Phil. And I miss him. I have this connection to him and to the army that I don’t think will ever go away. When you marry a soldier, you marry the army. There’s a sense of comraderie. And I feel so bereft without it. I’m around all these army wives, and they have the comraderie, but I don’t cause I’m not one of them. They didn’t know me when I was one of them. And sometimes I want to marry a soldier just because I miss belonging to the life. As it is now, i just exist on the fringes. And I’m so hungry for it. A part of my soul will always wish to belong here.

But I hate guys! I mean, i don’t hate. But I’m like every other embittered female who wants to continue talking bad about them and not trust or put themselves out there cause I’ve been burned so damn bad. And I don’t ever want to feel that pain ever again. but sometimes the lonliness hurts worse than the broken heart he left me with.

And I want a friend. A true blue friend who I can hang out with and have fun with and talk with and who cares about me. Where are they? Why can’t i find one? I seem to be missing some part of the human gene that sticks. That can make connections with people and keep them.

More and more I feel like an outsider, even in my own body. I look down and this doesn’t look like my body. I don’t remember getting fat again. And when I go to playgroups and such, I just watch. I find it so hard to participate. It’s like I’ve lost all sense of confidence and self-worth. i feel like I have nothing to add to any conversation. And it shows. Once the newness wears off, they don’t want to hang out as much. The nanny novelty is gone. And then they just make comments about being a nanny. And I want to say, I’m more than a nanny! I’m their guardian! but that’s it, that’s my identity. When I’m not with the kids, I feel even more awakward. What am I going to do when I leave? Granted that’s a long time off, but I don’t want this part of my life to become the past like, well the past has become my past. That doesn’t make sense. But then, I don’t make sense. What sane person takes on sole responsibility of 4 kids?

And my God, the tension in this house sometimes makes it hard for me to breathe. Jake is I guess your typical teenager, but I can not imagine living the next 15 months with his mood swings, his anger, his disrespect. Just thinking about it sucks the life right out of me.  I need to find somewhere I belong. Everytime I feel like I’ve founnd my niche, I lose it. There’s something about me…I don’t have any staying power. I don’t think I’m very likable.

And I need to get off of this pitty party. I’m letting the bad things steal my joy. I know there are good things, I know there are things to look forward to, but I honestly can’t think of any. I miss the youth group. I’ve lost that intimacy with God. I can’t seem to get it back. I’m going through a dry spell when I need Him most. So what am I doing wrong???

I woke up last night with a nightmare. And before I could think, I turned to Phil. But of course he wasn’t there. He never will be again. And that thought has me devastated. I know who Phil is now, the fake. But I can’t forget the Phil I thought he was. I can’t forget the times he showed he cared. I can’t forget the time I was cooking bacon and it popped me in my face and he came running from the shower to see if I was okay. I can’t forget the times he made me breakfast in bed when he knew he’d screwed up. I can’t forget the time he danced with me in our spare bedroom. I can’t forget his voice, or the way he said “hi baby!” I try my damndest, cause I know it wasn’t real. And I know he’s not worth my tears, but sometimes I wonder what would happen if I e-mailed him and said it was all a mistake. Asked him if we could start over. I know it wouldn’t work, but I would give anything for just a little more time with him. In our house, that’s not ours anymore. I want to hear him singing “dog faced soldier” just one more time. I want to see his tattoos, just one more time. I want to see the cleft in his chin, his big forehead, the birthmark on his arm. I want to see if his eyes are brown or green today. I want to take Dakota on a walk through our neighborhood. I want to walk to the class 6 and buy arbor mist and ice cream. I want to eat at Ruby Tuesdays. I want to go to that flea market we loved, and just walk around and hold hands. I want to do all the things we forgot to do, like play in the rain. I want to go to sleep in his arms as he says “I can sleep now that you’re here.” I want to go shopping for our house.

 I wish I had done things differently. Maybe I pushed the marriage. Maybe I was too clingy? In the end I know I’m better off without him. He cheated on me and lied to me constantly, but if I had never found out, I would have stayed happy. What’s that song…it’s country. by a guy. talking about he wish he didn’t know now what he didn’t know then.

Come back to me
Come back and say you’re still in love with me
Come back and say that I am all you’ll ever need
Baby come back come back to me

Oh please come back to me
Come back and say you’ll work it out with me
Come back to stay and say you’re never gonna leave
Baby come back, come back to me

Oh and kiss me once again as only you can
Touch me like nobody else can do
Oh, oh, and hold me and show me you’re still my man
And that you didn’t need somebody new

Oh come back to me
Come back and hold this torch that’s burning me
Come back and promise me eternity
Baby come back, won’t you come back to me?

Kiss me once again as only you can
Touch me like nobody else can do
Oh, oh, oh, and hold me and show me you’re still my man
And that you didn’t need somebody new

Oh, come back to me
Come back and mend this broken heart in me
Without your love I know I’ll never be complete
Baby come back, won’t you come back to me

Oh please come back to me
Baby come back, baby come back to me
Baby come back, come back and say I’m all you need
Come back, won’t you come back to me

Come back to me
Come back and say you’re still in love with me
Come back and say that I am all you’ll ever need
Baby come back won’t you come back to me

Oh, please come back to me
Come back and hold this torch that’s burning me
Come back and promise me eternity…